She Hits Me. What Do I Do?
I remember the first time she hit me. And I remember thinking, "What the hell just happened?"
I couldn't process it. It didn't fit my definition of domestic violence. She was a woman. I was a man. I was bigger than her. How could I be a victim?
So I made excuses for her actions. "She was angry." "She was stressed." "She didn't mean it." "I probably provoked her."
I told myself all of it. And every single excuse was bullshit.
If she's hit you, you're being abused. That's the truth. And you need to know what to do. Because if you don't, it will happen again. And next time you might not even be able to Google a question...
Why You're Still There
Before I tell you what to do, I want to acknowledge something. You're still there. You haven't left. And you might be feeling ashamed of that.
Don't be.
I stayed too. I stayed for years. I stayed because I was afraid. Many men are afraid of being alone. Afraid of losing your kids. Afraid of what she'd tell people. Afraid of the legal system. Afraid of being deported. Your emotions are real and yes, men do have emotions. And they are valid.
Fear is real. And it's a powerful cage. But it's not a life sentence.
What to Do Right Now
If you're in immediate danger, call 911.
I know you might not trust the police. I know you're afraid they won't believe you. I know you're afraid you'll be the one who gets arrested. I know all of it.
But if you're in danger right now, you need to survive first. Everything else can be figured out later.
If you're not in immediate danger, start documenting.
This is the most important thing you can do. Write down everything. Date. Time. What happened. What she said. What she did. Photograph your injuries. Save threatening texts and emails. Keep Receipts of all the abuse, all the damn details.
Why?
Because abusers lie. And when she tells her side of the story, she'll paint herself as the victim. She'll say you were the one who hit her. She'll say you were the aggressor. The system was created to protect women, remember that...
If you want to be believed, you need evidence.
Create a safety plan.
You don't have to leave today. But you need to be ready in case you have to leave suddenly.
Here's what that looks like:
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Pack a bag. Clothes. Cash. Important documents (passport, birth certificate, immigration papers, ID). Medications. Phone charger.
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Hide it somewhere she won't find it.
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Know where you'll go. A friend's house. A shelter. A hotel.
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Know how you'll get there. Keep cash for a cab or bus fare.
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Memorize important phone numbers. You might not have your phone.
Start building a support network.
You can't do this alone. And you don't have to.
Find one person you trust. A friend. A family member. A coworker. Someone who will believe you. Someone who won't judge you. Someone who will help you if you need to leave quickly.
The Hard Truth
I need to be honest with you. Leaving is the most dangerous time. It's when abuse escalates. It's when violence happens. It's when control becomes desperate.
But staying is more dangerous.
If you stay, the abuse will continue. It might get worse. It might become more frequent. It might become more violent.
You can't fix her. You can't love her into changing. You can't be good enough to make her stop. That's not how abuse works. She hits you because she chooses to. Not because of anything you did.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
You don't deserve this. Not even a little bit. Not even once. Not even if you think you provoked her.
She doesn't get to decide what's true. You know what happened. Don't let her rewrite history.
It's not your job to fix her. It's your job to protect yourself.
You matter. Your life matters. Your safety matters. Your future matters. You are not disposable.
There is a way out. It's hard. It's scary. It's not fair. But it's possible.
What to Do Next
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Start the Abuse Log. Document what's happening. Date, time, details. It's private. It's encrypted. Only you can see it. You might also use the Abuse Tracker, so you know if there is any patterns.
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Read more. Learn about the cycle of abuse. Learn about trauma bonding. Learn about why you feel stuck.
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Tell someone. One person. Just to break the silence.
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Create your safety plan. Even if you're not ready to leave.
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Come back. This website will be here when you're ready for the next step.
You are not alone. You are not weak. And there is a way out.