Am I Being Abused?"

These were questions I had. And I couldn't find answers anywhere.

I remember sitting in my car, staring at the dashboard, asking myself over and over: "Is this abuse? Or am I just being weak? Am I overreacting? Am I the problem?"

I had no idea what was happening to me. I just knew something was wrong. And every time I tried to figure it out, I got nowhere. The resources I found were for women. The hotlines were for women. The shelters were for women. Nobody was talking about men like me. Nobody was talking about you.

So let me tell you what I wish someone had told me back then.

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What Abuse Actually Looks Like

Here's something I didn't understand. Abuse doesn't always look like a black eye. Sometimes it looks like a woman who makes you feel small. Sometimes it looks like constant criticism. Sometimes it looks like threats, isolation, and control.

If you're wondering whether you're being abused, ask yourself these questions.

Does she control you?

• Does she control the money? Make you ask for permission to spend anything?

• Does she control who you see and talk to? Get angry when you spend time with friends or family?

• Does she control where you go? Track your location? Demand to know where you are at all times?

That's not love. That's control. And control is abuse.

Does she tear you down?

• Does she constantly criticize you? In private and in front of others?

• Does she humiliate you? Make you feel small, stupid, or worthless?

• Does she tell you you're lucky to be with her? That nobody else would want you?

That's not honesty. That's emotional abuse. And it's designed to destroy your self-worth so you won't leave.

Does she make you afraid?

• Do you walk on eggshells trying to avoid her anger?

• Do you lie or hide things to keep the peace?

• Are you afraid of her reactions? Her moods? Her violence?

That's not respect. That's fear. And fear has no place in a healthy relationship.

Does she threaten you?

• Does she threaten to call the police and say you're the abuser?

• Does she threaten to take the kids away?

• Does she threaten to deport you if you're an immigrant?

• Does she threaten to ruin your reputation or career?

That's not love. That's leverage. And using leverage to control someone is abuse.

Does she hurt you?

• Has she ever hit you, slapped you, or thrown things at you?

• Has she ever pushed you, shoved you, or blocked you from leaving?

• Has she ever sexually coerced you? Made you feel like you couldn't say no?

That's not anger. That's violence. And even if it only happened once, it's still abuse.

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The "Man Up" Trap

I struggled with this more than anything. I told myself, "Real men don't get abused. Real men can handle their own problems. Real men don't complain."

That's the biggest lie I ever believed.

Society tells you that men should be strong, silent, and invulnerable. That being a victim makes you weak. That asking for help is shameful.

But here's the truth. The strongest thing I ever did was admit I was being abused. The bravest thing I ever did was ask for help. The most masculine thing I ever did was choose to survive.

You're not weak for being hurt. You're human. And being human is not weakness—it's reality.

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What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

If I could go back and talk to the version of myself who was sitting in that car, wondering if I was crazy, here's what I'd say:

Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Your body knows before your mind does.

Name it. Abuse is abuse. Even if it doesn't fit the picture you have in your head. Even if she's a woman. Even if you're a man. Abuse is abuse, it does not matter what the gender of any of you is.

You are not alone. There are millions of men just like you. They're hiding in plain sight, just like you are.

It's not your fault. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. You didn't deserve this.

Help exists. Not enough. Not where it should be. But it's out there. And it's getting better.

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What to Do Next

If you recognize yourself in this article, don't just close the tab and pretend you didn't see it. That's what I did for years.

Do one thing today. Just one.

• Start keeping a private Abuse Log of what's happening. You don't have to show it to anyone. Just write it down so you can have all the details if you ever need them. You can also use our Abuse Tracker to help you see the pattern.

• Tell one person you trust. It doesn't have to be a big confession. Just say, "I'm going through something and I need to talk.". If you have issues opening up, that's normal.. I created a tool called Break The Silence to help you make the conversation easier.

• Read another article. Learn more about what you're experiencing.

• Bookmark this website. Come back when you're ready.

You don't have to leave today. You don't have to have a plan. You just have to take one step.

I you ever typed "Am I Being Abused?" on a search engine, even if you deleted it, you have some unanswered questions. I hope you can find some of those answers in this website. I was in your shoes, I know what you are going through.

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You are not weak. You are not crazy. You are not alone.