Help a Loved One

You can see what's happening. He may not be ready to see it yet. You can still help.

When Someone You Care About Is Being Abused

Watching someone you care about stay in an abusive relationship can be incredibly frustrating. From the outside, the answer may seem obvious. You see the manipulation. You see how he's changed. You hear the excuses he makes for his partner, and you may wonder why he doesn't simply walk away.

Be careful with that question.

What looks obvious from where you're standing can look completely different from inside the relationship.

Abuse changes slowly. Boundaries get moved a little at a time. Things that would once have been unacceptable become another argument, another apology, another promise that it won't happen again.

By the time you recognize the pattern, he may have spent years learning how to live inside it.

Why Men Can Be Particularly Difficult to Reach

Many men grow up learning that protecting the people they love is part of their responsibility.

Protect your wife. Protect your girlfriend. Protect your family. Take the hit. Handle your problems. Don't complain. Don't walk away when things get difficult.

Those beliefs aren't automatically bad. Loyalty, responsibility, and protecting the people you love can be admirable qualities.

But an abusive partner can exploit the hell out of them.

A man may tolerate being insulted, controlled, threatened, financially exploited, or physically attacked because somewhere in his head he still believes his job is to protect her—even from the consequences of what she's doing to him.

He may refuse to defend himself physically because he was taught never to hit a woman. He may refuse to call police because he doesn't want her arrested. He may hide injuries because he's embarrassed. He may continue paying for everything because he believes that's his responsibility. And he may stay because walking away feels less like protecting himself and more like abandoning someone he promised to protect.

Then comes another problem: admitting he's being abused means admitting that the situation is beyond what he can handle alone.

For some men, that's an incredibly difficult sentence to say.

Don't Start by Telling Him What to Do

If your first conversation starts with:

"You need to leave her."

don't be surprised if he immediately starts defending her.

You're asking him to make one of the biggest decisions of his life before he may have even accepted what's happening.

Start With What You've Noticed

If someone you care about seems off, don't be afraid to let him know you've noticed.

Maybe he seems more tired than usual, constantly worried, or always on edge. Maybe he's become quieter or more reserved. Perhaps he doesn't hang out with friends or family as much as he used to, or you've noticed that he constantly checks his phone when he's away from his partner.

You don't have to immediately ask whether he's being abused. Start with the things you can actually see.

Tell him you've noticed he hasn't seemed like himself lately and ask if everything is okay. If you've personally seen his partner insult him, humiliate him, control him, or otherwise mistreat him, it's okay to mention that too. Tell him what you saw and why it concerned you.

Then give him room to respond.

He may tell you everything. He may brush it off. He may make excuses for his partner or simply tell you everything is fine. Don't turn that into an argument or try to force him to admit something he isn't ready to talk about.

Instead, make sure he knows the conversation doesn't end there. Tell him that if he ever wants to talk... tomorrow, next month, or whenever he's ready, you'll listen without judging him or telling him what he should have done. 

That matters. A man who isn't ready to talk today may remember that conversation six months from now when things get worse.

Sometimes helping isn't getting someone to talk. It's making damn sure they know who they can talk to when they're ready.

Don't Make Him Defend His Partner

This one is important.

Calling his partner crazy, evil, a bitch, a narcissist, or anything else may feel justified to you. It can also completely derail the conversation.

Now instead of talking about what's happening to him, he's defending her.

Talk about the behavior.

"You shouldn't have to give someone your passwords to prove you love them."

"Threatening you isn't okay."

"Destroying your things isn't a normal argument."

"You shouldn't be afraid to go home."

You're helping him identify the abuse without requiring him to first decide that someone he loves is a terrible person.

Don't Shame Him

This should probably be one of the strongest sections on the page.

Don't ask him how he "lets a woman treat him like that."

Don't joke about him being whipped.

Don't tell him to grow a pair.

Don't ask why he doesn't just overpower her.

And don't assume that because he's physically larger, he isn't afraid.

You're reinforcing the exact bullshit that may have kept him silent in the first place.

If he finally tells you what's happening, understand what that disclosure may have cost him.

Don't make him regret it.

Help Him See the Pattern

You may be able to see patterns that he can't because you're not living inside them.

Don't diagnose his relationship for him. Ask questions.

Has this happened before?

Does she usually apologize afterward?

Have you stopped seeing friends because it causes problems?

Do you find yourself changing what you do because you're worried about her reaction?

What happens when you tell her no?

Questions make him examine his own experience.

That's considerably more useful than arguing with him about what label belongs on it.

Give Him Options, Not Orders

Once he's willing to talk, help him gather information.

Show him resources about abuse. Help him understand his legal options. Offer somewhere safe to keep important documents. Let him use your phone or computer if his devices are being monitored. Help him document incidents if he wants to.

And if he's considering leaving, help him think practically about what that would require.

Transportation. Money. Somewhere to stay. Children. Pets. Medication. Identification. Important records. Work. Safety.

"I'll help you figure it out" can be much more useful than "You need to get out."

If He Isn't Ready to Leave

This may be the hardest part for you.

You can do everything right and he may still stay.

That doesn't mean your conversation accomplished nothing.

He may need time to recognize the pattern. He may leave and return. He may defend his partner tomorrow after telling you tonight that he can't take anymore.

You can disagree with his decision without abandoning him.

Maintain your own boundaries—you don't have to participate in the chaos—but if it's safe and reasonable, leave the door open.

The day he finally decides he's had enough, knowing exactly who he can call can make an enormous difference.

If You Think He's in Immediate Danger

Don't treat immediate danger like another relationship discussion.

If there are threats of serious violence, weapons, strangulation, stalking, escalating physical attacks, threats of suicide or homicide, or other signs that someone may be seriously hurt, the priority changes from understanding the relationship to protecting life.

This section should eventually link directly to your Get Help Now and Safety Planning pages rather than trying to reproduce all of that information here.

What You Can Do Today

I wouldn't make this complicated:

Talk to him. Listen to him. Believe him. Learn about abuse yourself. Give him information. Help him preserve evidence if he wants to. Offer practical help you can realistically provide. Keep the door open.

And understand the boundary:

You can help him find the door. You cannot force him to walk through it.