Over-Responsibility
Over-responsibility is the belief that you’re responsible for things that aren’t your job. Her mood. Her choices. The relationship. Everything…
Emotion: Over-Responsibility
Definition
Over-responsibility is the belief that you're responsible for things that aren't your job. Her mood. Her choices. The relationship. Everything. You feel like if you just try harder, everything will be okay.
WHAT OVER-RESPONSIBILITY LOOKS LIKE
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Apologizing for things that aren't your fault
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Trying to fix problems you didn't create
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Feeling responsible for her happiness
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Working harder than her at the relationship
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Blaming yourself for her choices
HOW OVER-RESPONSIBILITY WORKS
Abusers shift responsibility. They make you believe everything is your fault. The more you try to fix things, the more she blames you. The cycle continues. You're not responsible for her behavior. You never were.
HOW OVER-RESPONSIBILITY MIGHT SHOW IN YOU
You might notice yourself constantly apologizing. You might feel anxious when she's upset. You might think, "If I just did more, she'd be happy." You might feel exhausted from carrying a weight that was never yours.
OVER-RESPONSIBILITY DOES NOT MEAN
Taking responsibility doesn't make you weak or stupid. It means you care. But caring doesn't mean carrying something that isn't yours. Her choices are her responsibility. Yours are yours.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT OVER-RESPONSIBILITY
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Ask yourself: "Is this really my job?" Is her mood your responsibility? Her choices? Her happiness? The answer is no.
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Write down what's yours and what's hers. Separate your responsibilities from hers. Keep the list. Refer to it when you start taking on too much.
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Practice saying "That's not mine to carry." Say it out loud. "Her anger is not mine to carry. Her choices are not mine to fix."
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Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault. You don't need to apologize for existing, for having needs, for being hurt.
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Redirect that energy to yourself. If you're carrying everyone else's burden, there's no room for your own. Put that weight down.
NO-BULLSHIT HONESTY CHECK
Not everything you feel responsible for is actually your responsibility. Sometimes you take on things because you're a good person. That's admirable. But sometimes you take on things because you've been trained to. Because she's made you feel like everything is your fault. That's not responsibility. That's control. Be honest about the difference.